An Introvert’s Guide to Throwing the Worst Party Ever
Find the Worst Possible Location
As an introvert, I prefer small gatherings in quiet, intimate settings. So naturally, to throw the worst party ever, I’d choose a location that is the complete opposite! Here are some ideas for terrible party venues:
Rent out a huge ballroom or banquet hall. The spacious interior with high ceilings will make guests feel lost and overwhelmed.
Host at an outdoor amphitheater. The openness will encourage noise to echo loudly. There will be nowhere to hide!
Choose a hot, stuffy warehouse with no air conditioning. Guests will be miserable and eager to leave.
Hold the party at a construction site. Bulldozers and jackhammers provide awful background noise.
The key is finding a location that is much too large and open for the number of guests. Bonus points if it’s outdoors with no shelter from the elements!
Send Last-Minute Invitations
Don’t give guests much notice about the party. Send invitations via text message the day before – or even the day of – the event. Not only is this rude, but it ensures many people will have other plans and be unable to attend.
Ideally, just tell a few close friends verbally about the party. Don’t send any formal invitations at all. Then I can be surprised when no one shows up!
Even for the friends who can come last minute, they will feel stressed and frustrated by the lack of notice. This will get the party off to a bad start before it even begins.
Serve Terrible Food
Food and drink is an essential part of any party. Make sure refreshments are unhealthy, tasteless, or just plain weird. Here are some ideas:
Supply cheap beer and boxed wine only. It will leave guests with headaches and stained teeth.
Order a dozen greasy pizzas. The smell will overwhelm the venue.
Make a bland veggie tray as the only healthy option. Watch guests sadly nibble on raw carrots.
Serve Doritos and old candy from the back of the pantry. Stale chips and chocolate will disappoint.
Prepare a mystery casserole with random ingredients. Subject your guests to strange flavors.
The goal is to offer snacks that provide zero enjoyment. Guests will be counting down the minutes until they can order delivery from their favorite restaurant.
Play Terrible Music
The soundtrack can make or break a party. Play music that completely clashes with your guests’ tastes to create an uncomfortable vibe.
If your friends love pop, blast heavy metal or opera. If they’re hip hop fans, go withcountry or 80s synth pop.
Here are some strategies to repel guests with bad music:
Play one genre of music all night. Variety is key for a good playlist. Refuse requests to mix it up.
Let a song play for only 30 seconds before skipping to the next. Don’t let guests identify or enjoy any tracks.
Set the volume too low at first. When guests point it out, overcompensate by blasting music so loud it distorts.
Take song requests literally. If a guest asks for a dance song, play “The Macarena” on repeat.
With the wrong soundtrack, your party will clear out faster than if you set off the fire alarm. Dance floors will remain empty and friends will cover their ears in misery.
Don’t Accommodate Any Needs
Guests will expect basic hosting duties like seating, refreshments, and temperature regulation. Deliberately ignore all such needs for maximum discomfort.
Refuse to provide chairs or tables. When guests ask where to sit, gesture vaguely at the ground. If they complain, tell them to “make themselves at home” as you disappear to the kitchen.
Turn off fans, AC, and heaters. Act surprised when guests ask about the temperature and tell them to “deal with it.” Bonus points if it’s already an extreme weather day.
Never refill ice, drinks, or food. Let everything run out immediately. Then be curiously absent whenever a guest needs something restocked.
Withhold blankets, jackets, umbrellas, or fans even when guests are clearly suffering. Pretend not to notice them shivering, sweating, or getting rained on.
Party hosting 101 is making guests feel comfortable and accommodated. Therefore, refuse them even the most basic needs for a party experience they’ll never forget (no matter how hard they try)!